I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
