Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
