I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
