my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
