mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
