Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
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I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
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SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?