his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
