Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
