No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
