he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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