I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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