i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
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The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
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Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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