Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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