Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
