Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
It's just like the Real World with babies
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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