is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
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