You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
