I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
