btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
