Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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