I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
