Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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