i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
