she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
