I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
