Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
