I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
