totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
