And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
