Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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