My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
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