so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
