I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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