I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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