I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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