Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
