she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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