I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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