That's when you crack a 10am beer
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
