I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
