the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
