So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I love you. Go after that dick
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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