tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He better not be in your backpack
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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