best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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