oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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