I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
