i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
