When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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