I'm eating all of the evidence.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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