Betty ford says i'm here all night
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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