I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
