you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
So squirting runs in the family.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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