My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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