is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
