There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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