She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
