I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He better not be in your backpack
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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