u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
