Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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