Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
ugly people sure do ruin things
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
