he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Randomize
