His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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