I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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